Something Wrong.

Nursing school is HARD.

If you've ever been, you know the feeling:

there is ALWAYS something wrong.

Your answer is wrong, your patient has something wrong, you're in the wrong spot, you have the wrong attitude, you're studying wrong, your logic is wrong, you have free time? must be something wrong.

WRONG WRONG WRONG

There is so much wrong, that you feel wrong. 

YOU as a human being, are not right.

I have been hit with this so hard this past week. I had a bad test score on ONE singular test and it sent me into a spiral of self-inflicting wrong's. I sat on the couch for at least 4 hours just scrolling through pinterest hating myself and trying to think of a new occupation that I might be able to do right. I would occasionally move to my bed and attempt a nap or watch house hunters to see what houses were so right for others but so wrong for me. I attempted to do homework and of course had so many questions I felt were wrong that I gave up on that too. I was in an unending pit of wrong. This then led to thoughts of how crappy of a wife I was as I looked around our messy room with piles of unfolded clothes. How bad of a daughter I was because I hadn't helped with the dishes. How sorry of a sister I was because I wasn't able to help babysit. How awful of a photographer I was because the picture was out of focus. How awful of a nurse I was because I had not done well on this test. How incredibly pitiful I was to my Heavenly Father because I pushed aside the temple so I could worry about this test. 

What is wrong with me? Why am I not happy?

"This seemingly inevitable loss of at least part of our self-esteem can be intensified during our school years. Only a few of us measure up to all our school’s academic and behavioral standards. Our successes fortify us, but the failures, inconsequential as well as critical ones, continue to undermine our struggle to attain a positive self-image."

I had lost this positive self-image.

I felt as though I was for sure letting my parents down, because I am struggling in school.

I was for sure letting Heavenly Father down because I was not attending the temple.

I was for sure letting my husband down by not juggling the wife life and the school life I chose.

What I haven't gained in test scores, I've gained in unhealthy habits.

I see others so put together in their lives with sure direction and overly abundant blessings. I hear the lives they juggle and continue to do so with such grace and ease. Even my own husband, who I should be gracing through life with. Yet mine is hectic and unorganized with no plan for what's next. I have no pregnancy to announce, no grand grades to proclaim, no special spiritual experience to share, no physical weight goal achieved. 

I am purely surviving. 

And I hear that is perfectly alright.

My husband is still there for me. HE makes up for my faults and short comings.

My parents support me. They push me to be better.

My Father in Heaven LOVES me. No matter my failures and heartaches. 

"Many think that the Lord has rejected them because of their doubts and fears and that he cannot fully accept them since they have yet to conquer their problems."

My Lord has not.